Post-Failure Thoughts

Well, I learned a lot from the experience. The whole thing, even these last few days which have...well fucking sucked. I've been eating absolute shit, which has been enjoyable though, I gotta say...ice cream, cookies, pizza, beer...God Bless America...haha...

Still kind of in a state of shock about the whole thing. I know this is called HOPELESS and all, which signifies, you know, a lack of hope, that this thing is completely crazy to do, but a part of me always kinda thought that I would pull it out. I really did. I know it was nuts, but man...I don't know.

I think the hardest part was telling my Dad. I really wanted to tell him I did this, not because he even wanted me to do it in the first place, but he really believed in me, and it sort of made me think of all the people along the way who did the same--initial reaction, WTF Ryan, you're nuts....after a while...hey, he could really do this.

If nothing else, I learned that I can commit to something when I really want to- to be real, I've never really tried like this at anything, and I've generally been pretty successful at stuff without any incredibly outstanding effort- don't get me wrong, I'm a worker, but the work that I put into this was ridiculous. I finally 100% fully apply myself and fail...it really does kinda make sense, when you think about it.

I just put off a lot of things that I should have been doing to try and prepare properly to play, which was stupid. In the end, regardless, I'm not a football player, I'm just a guy, and I should have kept my eye on the real prize, which is kicking major ass at school and becoming the best broadcaster I can possibly be, but what can I say. I don't wade into the pool well...I'm a passionate person. And I went at this thing with a passion- ask anyone who saw me along the way, and fuck it, I'm proud of it. I hate that I failed, but I went down swinging.

I would have been able to help that team, though. Somehow...I know it. But they know better about that sort of thing than I do, so what can I say. It's been a hell of a ride. I'm just sort of trying to re-acclimate myself to society here and figure out where the hell I go and what the hell I do next.

Hopeless Walk On ...does tennis? Volleyball, perhaps?

Oh yeah...and Charlie Loeb has a freakin' cannon for an arm...

7 Days Left

I've been putting myself through 2-a-days for the most part this past week, since I don't want to skimp on the lifting because we'll be tested on that, but I also need to get in better running shape. I'm exhausted, but I feel good about the progress that I'm making and the effort that I'm putting in.

This thing isn't about playing football anymore, for me. Absolutely, I'm doing this for the love of the game, and I can't think of anything cooler than being able to finish up my time at Syracuse playing football for a team that is going places a lot faster than most people think, don't get me wrong. I want nothing more in the world than that.

But I really, at this point, after months of working for this, (see previous posts) just want to see what I'm made of. Sure, win or lose here, I can walk away proud of what I've done, but I didn't do all this to not make the team. I didn't do it to walk away and say, hey, I tried really hard, but it just didn't work out. This is about setting a goal (even if it's grandiose and borderline bat-sh-t crazy) and doing everything in your power to get to it. It's about second chances for guys that didn't do things the right way when good things were there for them picking themselves up and doing it the right way from there on out. Learning discipline and toughness.

I'll be working myself to the brink this week in final preparation. I know I won't stack up as well as some guys on certain things, but I'll be there from an effort standpoint.

Watching the Spring Game was surreal, exciting, and somewhat infuriating since I wanted to be on the field so bad. We'll find out soon enough whether that will be the case or not.

Less than 2 weeks to go

And I am frrrrrrrrrreaking out! In a good way though I guess- my roommate Josh said it best, if you actually feel good about what you're doing, you've probably lost a bit of your edge- it's best to feel like you're failing, so you work harder...that's paraphrased from sweaty gym-talk.

I've heard some things here and there about what happens during the tryouts, and what I would be expected to do in terms of working out, and I gotta be honest, I'm a little nervous. I'm not sure (pretty damn not sure) that I'll stack up well with the other guys, but we'll see.

2 years ago I weighed 135 lbs. 1 year ago I weighed 150. I now weigh 180 and have worked harder at this than anything I've ever worked at before, and I'm not embarrassed to say it. It's not uncool to really try at something, whether it fails or succeeds. Hell, I only started benching 9 months ago, then lost two straight months to the ankle thing, so we're talking about 7 months of benching and I can do a pretty damn good amount for that kind of period. I'm assuming the other guys will have been doing this throughout high school football and the like, so I dunno.

I do know that I'll outwork them if given the opportunity. Why? Because I'm a sick, sick bastard. I love the pain, and I love to work.

I've amped up all efforts for the final push here, then am taking like 2 days off before tryouts to let the body recoup. For example, tomorrow is all-cardio day, and I'm doing two workouts, one after class is over, then one later on at night. To hell with the ankle, which continues to swell and be a pain in the ass. Screw the blood blisters that cover the bottom of both of my feet. It's go time.

Pray for me, I'm gonna need it.

TRYOUTS!!!

The day is upon us...Tryouts are in one month. 4 weeks to finish up the hard work that I've put in for the last 7+ months. Haven't missed a workout. I've worked harder at this thing than anything else that I've ever tried.

ONE MONTH...I am pumped. Win or lose, I'll be ready and in shape. Pray for me, I'm gonna need it.

Post-Super Bowl Sadness, Will I make this team?.. etc

Well it's over. Five plus months, minus the combine and draft of course, of utter football-less misery. It's still snowing in Syracuse and I have a class from 7-9:45 tonight, and I'm in a contemplative mood.

First, the Super Bowl last night was incredible. 3 years in a row of top-notch games to remember, and congrats to the Saints and the city of New Orleans. I picked the Colts to win the game big, so count me on the list of people who were wrong on that one. I question the Colts taking their foot off the gas late in the first half, but ultimately it came down to just a couple plays within the huge game that changed the tides in the Saints favor. Either way, an outstanding game on all fronts, and I can't wait to see what NFL Films does with America's Game to tell this epic story.

In terms of Hopeless Walk On, I've been thinking about how this crazy plan of mine is going to turn out. Thinking about the scenarios, the successful one, and what that would be like, and also failing, and what that would be like. I really hope everything works out, I know that goes without saying, but I was thinking as I was walking home from the gym earlier today how much time and effort that I have put into this, and how badly I want to play football. (and how badly it would suck to fail at trying to play football)

It seems insane when taking a step back to try this hard for a goal that in the grand scheme of things, probably will not do much for my life. It seems as though at this point, I should be focusing more on career-related things and not some pipe dream of playing collegiate football, but I can't avoid it- I want to play. I'm keeping the foot on the pedal, and if I fail, at least I can say I busted my ass every single day to make it happen. Some people just aren't good enough, but I'd like to think that I could be good enough.

I guess I know how much I can learn from this experience from a football standpoint, a life standpoint, and about myself, and how much I have learned about myself already. You learn what kind of grit, commitment, and determination that you have really fast even when training for something like this, and I know if I were to make the team, that this would be the very tip of the iceberg. Let's hope it all works out.

Getting my Legs Right

Squats, split squats, jump squats, speed squats, lunges, dead lifts, cleans, running, stair machine, basketball, ahhhhhhhhh........

Although on most days I drag my ass around this tundra of a campus, my legs are getting stronger, more conditioned, more in shape, etc. Soon I should be at least reasonably solid in the leg area and I'm still doing the upper body nonsense, so hell I should look like a football player at some point. Now looking and actually being one are two different things, of course, but at least I'm putting the time in. Any new recommendations on leg exercises is always appreciated!

Also, as of now, the ankle is really sore on a daily basis but doesn't cause me any major pain at this point while lifting. It does slow me down during basketball though, but it's definitely coming along and improving. It's just a long, long f--king road, I underestimated how long it would really take to get all the way better. I really doubt it's going to be 100% before I have to try out for the SU Football team.

Coming up on Saturday or tomorrow: a long, drawn out Super Bowl piece. Come back to see who my prediction is, and by how much. I'll say this: the winner is gonna win big.

Got the Job...

I'll be in the recruiting department helping out. I'm really pumped to be on board. Syracuse Football has just downgraded it's program hiring me. Kidding, of course, as I'm gonna bust my ass in there for them, doing whatever I can to help us win.

Lets go Orange!

Weight Update, Work Update

Going into the Syracuse Football office tomorrow at 9 AM to meet with the Director of Football Operations. Might have myself an internship in the recruiting office, helping out and further learning how this stuff works. Keep your fingers crossed.

Also, weight is up to 170. 20lbs or so to go.

Penn State Beats Down Syracuse, We Don't Mind

It really wasn't that bad. It wasn't.

They are perenially one of the best programs in the nation. We are perenially awful. They have year after year of 4 and 5 star recruits coming in to replace other 4 and 5 star recruits. We, do not. At all.

And we hung with them. Hell, there were a few plays where we flat out kicked their ass. Our LB's and D-line shut down their run game all day. We held them to 28 points as opposed to 55 last year. Syracuse isn't there yet, but we are coming. Oh, Doug Marrone, drive the car my friend we are coming.

I thought the team stepped up to the plate in front of 100,000+ hostile people in Beaver Stadium and gave a performance not to be proud of, but not to be embarassed about either. Did we move forward today as a team? Thats a tough question. I would say we didn't move at all. This was a game that we just wanted to get through without injury, and move back on to games which we can win.

What this did show is that Syracuse can play with anybody, already. Under this coaching staff, bring 'em on. To be honest, we had no shot at winning this game from the opening kickoff due to the disparity in talent, but we wanted to show up and not back down. We were forced to fight a guy way bigger, stronger, and athletic than us, and we didn't take any sh--.

Sometimes you fight just to show you aren't scared, and won't back down. We looked them in the eyes the whole game, and didn't quit, even late in the fourth quarter. They may have kicked our ass, but we kept getting up and in the end, when it was broken up, we were still ready for more.

We'll see them in a few years.

Walk-On Update, Work Update

So I'm waiting on a call/email from Coach VanDerzee after we spoke on Monday. He said that he MIGHT have an opening in the football program in the recruiting department. Keep your fingers crossed; he said he would get back to me by today or tomorrow.

If that were the case it would give me an opportunity to learn the game even further. Those who know me might mention that I'm already obsessed enough, and know enough about the game, especially from an X's and O's standpoint, but those who really know the game would tell you that by comparison to them, I don't know shit. This would be accurate. I have a long way to go.

That said, I'm not trying to say that I'm just going to try and work with the team. The whole point is to MAKE the team. This is a stepping stone along the way. Hopefully.

Lifting, Injury, Life, etc updates tomorrow.

Paulus' First Outing, Other Thoughts

Just one more thought on Greg Paulus' first outing as an Orangeman.

I feel like Paulus has been anointed by the fans with the duty of saving the team or something, and that last throw into the end zone was that: him trying to save the day, be the hero, and win the game for his team. Undoubtedly he feels that pressure too, with the articles in the D.O., the national media attention, etc.

Not something that's entirely a bad thing, just a bit misplaced in this case. Maybe I'm over analyzing, but I think that throughout the game he didn't have too many big plays, and wanted to close out the game the right way but on that play the pressure he felt on his shoulders got to him a bit. I think the coaching staff is going to save the program, not Paulus, and he needs to keep that in mind, doing just enough. Getting the ball out of his hands quicker and distributing the football intelligently and effectively, which he can certainly do.

That said, all in all, I'm a supporter. Has to work on the way the ball comes out when he's under pressure, since he didn't square his shoulders and threw a few ducks. But it's going to be a huge step forward this year with him at the helm.

Syracuse Loses Opener, and a Hell of a Game it was

OK, so we lost. Let's get that out of the way. I'm really not sweating that at all though. It came down to one bad decision (as these close games often do) and Greg Paulus just had a delusion of grandeaur and wanted to win the game on one throw. Dude hasn't played football in 4 years. Keeping that in mind, the guy was excellent. Hell of a leader on the sideline too, from the student section you could see him doing work on the sideline for the most of the game. A few thoughts:

1. Delone Carter had a solid, if unspectacular game.

2. The option stuff we were running worked much better than our normal offense. Why not run it with Paulus in there as well? When Nassib came on, it tips off the D that it's coming. Then we line him up at WR where we could have a better blocker in there for the wide runs.

3. This team is going places. The feeling inside the dome was unbelievable. Best atmosphere since I've been at Cuse and it's not even close.

4. Mike Williams runs a hell of a slant pattern. Also, the touchdown he scored on was a spectacular play call after lulling them to sleep with the run, screens, and short passes the entire game before that. The corner's first step was forward and thats all Williams needed for a giannnnntttt gap.

5. I really freakin hope I can help out this year. I wanted to be standing there on that turf more than anything in the world, even if it's with a goofy polo shirt, visor, and maybe even a goddamn water bottle to squirt in the players mouths.

6. I'm going to be ready for next year. Oh, I'll be small, slow, and so ready to go.

7. Paulus has excellent awareness in the pocket and made outstanding reads the entire day. He avoids the rush well and just seems like he didn't miss a beat. Compare that with what we were watching last year, and it's night and day. He has a long way to go, but wow. Just cool, calm, and collected under fire with the exception of that one last play where he threw into like quadruple coverage. Just gotta get the ball out a little better.

8. Art Jones. #97. 1st round draft pick. No question the best D-lineman in the Big East, and one of the top in the country. He was double teamed on EVERY...SINGLE....PLAY and was still a standout. A manchild.

9. Dont know why this is ninth, because for me this was the biggest change from last year to this year that I saw, and there were many (it was like an entirely different place inside the dome) The playcalling was so good. I mean so, so good. The system and playcalling hid the weaknesses of our offense and highlighted the strengths. The only thing we need to do is figure out more ways to get Williams the ball, but I'm sure they're already cooking that up. God, I'm excited. Finally, real football. Basketball, my ass. Here comes Syracuse football, back to kick your ass.

More to come on this game as I digest it a bit more and also more updates on your favorite (only) hopeless walk on soon enough.

Leave your thoughts on the game in the comments!

Walk-on Meeting

So on Monday I went to the walk-on meeting for Syracuse Football. Clearly I can't play this year, but I wanted to get an idea of what to expect for next year. I also wanted to see if I could do something with the team this year, whether it be helping to cut up film or whatever the hell they need really. I'm going to be in touch with the Kevin VanDerzee, the president of football operations, to see if there is any room for me to help out this year. I'm really hoping there is.

He also said there might be an issue with my eligibility, or lack thereof. Since I started school in 2006, I might not have one more year of eligibility to play next year. If there were the case, there's really no dream, no journey, no blog, nothing. I'll be fucking crushed, I really will, if that's the case.

That said, one of the community colleges I went to for 3 semesters DID NOT have any sports teams, so how can I use up eligibility if I can't even play a sport if I wanted to? Also, I was enrolled part time, since I was working full time. So we'll see whats up. I'll update you as soon as I am updated. Hold your breath for me. Pray for me, if you pray.

Back At Syracuse, on an Island

So I'm back at Syracuse. The only bad news is that I'm basically on an island. I'll explain. Our apt currently has no:

1. internet
2. TV
3. couch, or any chairs whatsoever to sit on. there is random shit thrown around the room.
4. microwave
5. toaster
6. broken oven
7. screens on 50% of windows

Right now if I go outside, I can steal a neighbors internet intermittently before it loses it's very weak signal. I am huddled outside doing just that for this covert, rogue update.

So yeah. I apologize for the lack of updates, as I've been living on a f--ing island. Anyway, I will be making a large update w/ several posts tomorrow detailing my progress, including going to the walk-on meeting (can still barely walk, so don't worry, just getting the low down on next year)

so STAY TUNED and keep the love coming. TELL YOUR FRIENDS!

Last Week around Philly

First off, I'm back up to 167...that was fast. Feeling better about myself working out and stuff, went to physical therapy again today and I'm coming along really well. Still can't really walk correctly, but am limping along, little worried about Syracuse ice f'ing my day up, but lets hope for a temperate Syracuse winter....HAHA

Some random thoughts:

-I'm filming a faux highlight and standup tomorrow back at Films for my demo reel thingie. Slightly nervous to be in those sweet studios on camera, but nobodys watching anyway (kinda like hopelesswalkon.com, where nobody is reading, so who cares anyway) ...dance like nobodys watc......no, no no...stop that

-In the Air Tonight...isn't it just timeless?

-Goin to the Mike Vick Debut...really looking forward to the people protesting and whatnot, it's going to be riotous and entertaining, no doubt. I'm rooting for the guy, not because I like him, but because he represents the anti-hero at this point, against all the sort of douchebags that I hate trying to dictate someone else's life. It's gone too far, Mikey (see previous posts) Show em all up, please.

-I got some football cleats, since previously in my vaunted flag football days I was using soccer cleats, and these were on sale and pretty damn cheap. I stare at them often.

-I'm looking forward to getting back up to 'Cuse and getting a look at our team. There is a walk-on meeting this week, which I will be going to, even though I clearly can't play this year. I'm going to see if I can get involved though in some capacity this year, whatever they need.

-Comments on the Ben Roethlisberger case to come tomorrow most likely. And more stuff. Come back and read. Please....please come back....

-Feeling good tonight, another good workout today. 10/4 over and out