Post-Failure Thoughts

Well, I learned a lot from the experience. The whole thing, even these last few days which have...well fucking sucked. I've been eating absolute shit, which has been enjoyable though, I gotta say...ice cream, cookies, pizza, beer...God Bless America...haha...

Still kind of in a state of shock about the whole thing. I know this is called HOPELESS and all, which signifies, you know, a lack of hope, that this thing is completely crazy to do, but a part of me always kinda thought that I would pull it out. I really did. I know it was nuts, but man...I don't know.

I think the hardest part was telling my Dad. I really wanted to tell him I did this, not because he even wanted me to do it in the first place, but he really believed in me, and it sort of made me think of all the people along the way who did the same--initial reaction, WTF Ryan, you're nuts....after a while...hey, he could really do this.

If nothing else, I learned that I can commit to something when I really want to- to be real, I've never really tried like this at anything, and I've generally been pretty successful at stuff without any incredibly outstanding effort- don't get me wrong, I'm a worker, but the work that I put into this was ridiculous. I finally 100% fully apply myself and fail...it really does kinda make sense, when you think about it.

I just put off a lot of things that I should have been doing to try and prepare properly to play, which was stupid. In the end, regardless, I'm not a football player, I'm just a guy, and I should have kept my eye on the real prize, which is kicking major ass at school and becoming the best broadcaster I can possibly be, but what can I say. I don't wade into the pool well...I'm a passionate person. And I went at this thing with a passion- ask anyone who saw me along the way, and fuck it, I'm proud of it. I hate that I failed, but I went down swinging.

I would have been able to help that team, though. Somehow...I know it. But they know better about that sort of thing than I do, so what can I say. It's been a hell of a ride. I'm just sort of trying to re-acclimate myself to society here and figure out where the hell I go and what the hell I do next.

Hopeless Walk On ...does tennis? Volleyball, perhaps?

Oh yeah...and Charlie Loeb has a freakin' cannon for an arm...

In The End...It Really Was Hopeless

I didn't make it.

The 7 months that I spent training weren't enough. Maybe if I had a little longer. Who knows. It's disappointing, but it is what it is.

I'll have more thoughts about it tomorrow.

Tryouts Are Over

I find out in a couple days whether I made it or not. I don't really want to get into the tryouts themselves right now, but let's hope everything went well in the coaches eyes and I'll update as soon as I know my fate!

Thank You

I believe some thank-yous are in order for help along the way to get to tryouts tomorrow. Without you guys, I wouldn't be able to even attempt this, and for that I am eternally appreciative.

In no particular order whatsoever, thank you:

Mom, Dad, Marykay, Matt, Kristen, Josh Hawley (beast), Natalie Daurio, Colleen O'Hara, Chris Jarmon, Rich Teesdale, Jordan Adams, Phil Daughton, Mike Daly, Coach Luther, the guys at WAER, Sham Kala-kadima, Danny Fersh, Daniela Bianchi, everyone at NFL Films, the guy that broke my ankle, Sean Haley, Dr. Puleo, anyone who read the blog at any point, offered me support or advice, and anyone else that I am forgetting THANK YOU!!!

Tomorrow is time to ball..wish me luck everybody.

Last Workout Before Tryouts: Done

So that's it. It's all over. Nothing to do now but sit around and wait until tryouts on Monday.

7 months of work, and there's nothing I can really do to change anything at this point, and it's strange. I began to plan my day tomorrow a couple different times, and had to stop myself. Kinda funny that it's turned into a bit of a compulsion...not that compulsions are funny in general, just this one...

I hope I'm on the cusp of something great. I know how corny it sounds, but I do believe in miracles.

So it's 1 a.m. and I'm sitting around not going out again all weekend so I'm well rested and stuff. I'll have some more today before tryouts, I'm sure, but right now it's just strange that I'm at this point- you kind of daydream about what it's going to be like down the line when you're doing this, and what you're going to be thinking about, and it wasn't like this...I don't really know what it was like, but it wasn't like this. I guess I kind of figured I would turn into some sort of beast throughout this and be a machine of sorts, and I don't know, I still just sorta feel like me. Beastlier maybe...but just like me.

Not that this is bad...I'm definitely ready to go, although I think I always find problems and holes in what I've done. I'm rambling. I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'm doing the post-game show for the SU Lacrosse game on WAER as well as an NFL Draft special at 7 as well. Tune in for more coherent, organized ramblings.

7 Days Left

I've been putting myself through 2-a-days for the most part this past week, since I don't want to skimp on the lifting because we'll be tested on that, but I also need to get in better running shape. I'm exhausted, but I feel good about the progress that I'm making and the effort that I'm putting in.

This thing isn't about playing football anymore, for me. Absolutely, I'm doing this for the love of the game, and I can't think of anything cooler than being able to finish up my time at Syracuse playing football for a team that is going places a lot faster than most people think, don't get me wrong. I want nothing more in the world than that.

But I really, at this point, after months of working for this, (see previous posts) just want to see what I'm made of. Sure, win or lose here, I can walk away proud of what I've done, but I didn't do all this to not make the team. I didn't do it to walk away and say, hey, I tried really hard, but it just didn't work out. This is about setting a goal (even if it's grandiose and borderline bat-sh-t crazy) and doing everything in your power to get to it. It's about second chances for guys that didn't do things the right way when good things were there for them picking themselves up and doing it the right way from there on out. Learning discipline and toughness.

I'll be working myself to the brink this week in final preparation. I know I won't stack up as well as some guys on certain things, but I'll be there from an effort standpoint.

Watching the Spring Game was surreal, exciting, and somewhat infuriating since I wanted to be on the field so bad. We'll find out soon enough whether that will be the case or not.

Priceless

So I'm in on a Saturday night for the first time in a long time- about to go to bed here nice and early and wake up early for a run. Did the same thing last night, look at me go...

Anyway, in my random Internet searchings to keep me busy this evening I found this priceless bit of humor... priceless if you are familiar with the venerable Emmitt Smith and his on-air strugglings. I was crying from laughing so hard. Enjoy.

http://walterfootball.com/draft2010emmitt.php

Less than 2 weeks to go

And I am frrrrrrrrrreaking out! In a good way though I guess- my roommate Josh said it best, if you actually feel good about what you're doing, you've probably lost a bit of your edge- it's best to feel like you're failing, so you work harder...that's paraphrased from sweaty gym-talk.

I've heard some things here and there about what happens during the tryouts, and what I would be expected to do in terms of working out, and I gotta be honest, I'm a little nervous. I'm not sure (pretty damn not sure) that I'll stack up well with the other guys, but we'll see.

2 years ago I weighed 135 lbs. 1 year ago I weighed 150. I now weigh 180 and have worked harder at this than anything I've ever worked at before, and I'm not embarrassed to say it. It's not uncool to really try at something, whether it fails or succeeds. Hell, I only started benching 9 months ago, then lost two straight months to the ankle thing, so we're talking about 7 months of benching and I can do a pretty damn good amount for that kind of period. I'm assuming the other guys will have been doing this throughout high school football and the like, so I dunno.

I do know that I'll outwork them if given the opportunity. Why? Because I'm a sick, sick bastard. I love the pain, and I love to work.

I've amped up all efforts for the final push here, then am taking like 2 days off before tryouts to let the body recoup. For example, tomorrow is all-cardio day, and I'm doing two workouts, one after class is over, then one later on at night. To hell with the ankle, which continues to swell and be a pain in the ass. Screw the blood blisters that cover the bottom of both of my feet. It's go time.

Pray for me, I'm gonna need it.

4 Weeks Away...Thoughts

It's funny how something so far away can still make you nervous. I'm already nervous for these things, but it's only pushing me to work harder. It's a tough time of year, with tons of schoolwork and other things going on, but you better believe I'm hitting it hard.

I started this site to sort of chronicle this journey of mine, and looking back, I don't think I really have done that effectively. I think that once I started actually writing it, I really felt uncomfortable talking about MYSELF all the time. With working for the Syracuse Football team last semester preventing me from commenting on SU sports, I haven't had a ton of material to put out there, and this idea has certainly suffered.

That said, it's been a nice outlet throughout this process, and more importantly, it's been yet another thing to light a fire under my ass. When you know people are watching and reading, it helps you run that extra minute on the treadmill, do that last rep, etc....because you know that if you're out there talking, you had better be able to back it up.

Not that I've talked a whole bunch of game here about how I'm going to be good or anything- I've just sorta made fun of myself for 7 months straight. And I will stand by that- I will probably not be good. Doesn't mean I wont try like hell TO BE good.

I WILL BE POSTING my NFL Draft top 50, so stay tuned for that. Also, more favorite books and other observations to come in these final weeks before tryouts. Mostly I'll just be busting my ass physically, but I'm sure I'll find time for this. You keep reading, I'll keep writing.

TRYOUTS!!!

The day is upon us...Tryouts are in one month. 4 weeks to finish up the hard work that I've put in for the last 7+ months. Haven't missed a workout. I've worked harder at this thing than anything else that I've ever tried.

ONE MONTH...I am pumped. Win or lose, I'll be ready and in shape. Pray for me, I'm gonna need it.

Back From Break, Random Notes

Back from spring break. It was a crazy time over spring break, things got pretty out of control...no, no, wait, yeah, they didn't. I went home to the Philly 'burbs and basically worked out, hung out with a few friends, read a lot, and watched a few movies. Did a little shopping for some new sneakers, found nothing I like, but DID come up with a very lifelike Randy Moss figurine in a clearance bin for 5 DOLLARS! I only had 4 dollars in my pocket, and wouldn't you believe the man took it. Now ol' Randy sits on my desk and keeps an eye on things.

I played some ball this weekend in cleats and all, and felt really good. Didn't go quite 100% but didn't totally half-ass it either, and I think I'm coming along really well at this point. I played Sunday and the ankle is still pretty sore, but nothing like it used to be. I squatted today and it's even doing well. I could cut actually pretty well.

Hoping that all is going well for the SU football team in the beginning of spring practices, which according to Syracuse.com started on Monday. I hope to be with them someday, and will continue to work towards that goal. I do not know when tryouts or that sort of thing are, but when they do come- I will be ready. At this point, with cardio and all I'm working out 6 or 7 days a week, depending on the week, and am really coming along. I've said it before- if I don't make this team, it certainly won't be for lack of effort. I will control what I can control, and that is what I put into it.

I'll be updating a lot more soon! I'm also on the radio on 88.3 WAER in Syracuse on the post game shows for basketball and lacrosse. More so lacrosse at this point, but the occasional basketball show as well. Tune in after the games for my ...analysis? Uh oh...

You can also go to http://www.waer.org/ and listen live. Happy Tuesday and back to work.

Update on Yesterday

It was better today- see? SOME good can come from being an idiot and pushing yourself too hard. It's pretty sore now, but no complaints- I could cut a whole lot better today. Played some football in a light rain and had a blast.

Kicked a couple 40+ yard field goals too...maybe some added value there...

Tomorrow begins a new week, getting better everyday.

Just tried out the ankle with cleats...

Strapped on cleats for the first time since the old snap crackle pop occurred. Truth be told, I was sort of expecting everything to just be completely fine, and I guess to some extent it was.

I ran some routes at like 70% speed and it definitely hurt, and definitely still felt weak. I was really disappointed, but I dunno...I guess this is to be expected. I don't know. I basically feel like s--t about the whole thing.

So, (and I know Josh will get a kick out of this) I'll be trying it again tomorrow. Because I'm an idiot. And because I dunno, maybe I just need to be more warmed up first. I mean I warmed up, but maybe...not enough. Maybe I just...maybe the ground was too hard. I'm sure I'm fine. Yes, I am totally fine.

So things are good. I'll update you all tomorrow on how it goes, most likely from the ER.

Back On The Horse Tomorrow

Back to the weights tomorrow- looking forward to it. I'm going to bed in a few minutes and going to wake up early to go before class. I've felt at times lost and confused this week without having a steady gym schedule- my goal has become the center of my life, it seems. Not that anyone that has been near me over the past several months would not agree, but I guess I'm just continuing to notice.

The ankle is finally starting to have some burst in it. I really started to notice this week with all the basketball and stuff. It's starting to show a little life, which is exciting. God, it has been a long, long time I feel like since it was just normal to run, jump, or cut without pain. It's nice. Let's hope it continues, as I still haven't put on cleats and really beat it up, but basketball is a pretty decent indicator I feel like.

As always, I'll keep you updated on how things go...Go 'Cuse in the Big East Tournament.

Hilarity

IT'S ME!!!!! Only in Nebraska...